From Alex Reynolds Sent Wed, Oct 7th 1998, 20:05
From Alex Reynolds Sent Wed, Oct 7th 1998, 20:05
DES MOINES CITIZENS HOLD "CHEER UP, WELLS" DAY Des Moines, Iowa, Oct 6 (REUTERZ) Wells Oliver, outspoken critic on the Intelligent Dance Music mailing list (IDM) was honoured earlier today with the first annual "Cheer Up, Wells" festival held today in Des Moines, Iowa, a sleepy city not known for its largely quiet IDM fan base.=20 Sponsored by the Des Moines Civic Improvement Commitee, Warp Records, and Pfizer Inc., the parade attracted over a thousand people wearing Wells' face on a mask and another twenty thousand onlookers. Major streets were closed off while the disguised paraded happily through the city, throwing free samples of Prozac and Zoloft to the onlookers lining the sidewalks. At the VIP booth at the endpoint of the parade route, CEO of Warp Records Greg Eden, Chairman and CEO of Pfizer Inc William C. Steere, Jr., and Mayor of Des Moines Preston Daniels addressed the cheering masses from a twenty-foot high podium: "As we reach the end of the century, we begin to realize how many of the people we live and work with are, quite simply, miserable bastards -- and especially in this godforsaken city. "We salute Wells Oliver for raising the standards of depression, and his courage in being as negative as possible on the IDM mailing list, regardless of the topic involved," Mayor Daniels said. "When Mr. Eden and Mr. Steere came to Des Moines to suggest a celebration in honor of this human being, how could we refuse?" CEO Eden held a megaphone to his face: "In spite of our licensing deal with Nothing Records, our marketing team has shown that the Miserable Bastard market share does not buy records from Warp. I've decided to change our strategic emphasis from 'We Are Reasonable People' to 'A neurochemically-modified, happy customer is a good customer'. With every subsequent Warp release, we will package narcotics and anti-depressants in CD cases and record slip covers. We expect profits to skyrocket overnight. That is all." CEO Steere noted his pride in Pfizer's century of work in behavior modification and expressed satisfaction that his team of researchers would be able to alter Wells' moods enough to get him to enjoy IDM music: "Pfizer is not concerned about the expense involved; we just want Wells to cheer up. Our guys will run the gamut of pharmaceutical and behaviorial modification techniques designed to elevate seratonin levels, including continual, 24hr stimulus to Wells' brain via Bjoerk tracks."=20 Stamping his fist into hand, Steere concluded, "We'll do whatever it takes." The crowds seemed quite pleased with the speeches, but whether that was due to the drugs or the ambient celebratory atmosphere, no one was sure. =A9 1998 Reuterz Inc. All rights to satirical use of protected names reserve= d under relevant "Fair Use" clauses.