From Alex Reynolds Sent Sun, Aug 23rd 1998, 23:33
From Alex Reynolds Sent Sun, Aug 23rd 1998, 23:33
GARBAGE-EATER CULTIST CLAIMS MYSTICAL VISION IN MPEG 3 CD-R DISCS -- IDM
List members respond by preparing for the end of the world
WACO, Aug 23 (REUTERZ) - In an incredibly bizarre turn of events that could
probably only happen in Texas, a member of an equally bizarre cult, named
the "Garbarge Eaters" and housed in Waco, Texas, has released the
equivalent of a bombshell of serious theological discussion on Hyperreal's
IDM mailing list.
This bombshell, a CD-R disc containing Aphex Twin MPEG bootleg tracks --
incidentally published by another mysterious cult, the sinister
demon-worshipping MPEG D00dz -- was turned over to Hyperreal authorities
last Saturday for chemical and physical analysis.
Flipped over and turned 66.6 degrees clockwise -- and twisted, oh, ever so
slightly -- claims Eaters-cultist Cleetus "Gunrack" Orkell, the
gold-embossed disc reveals a grinning mug with a long, unkempt beard,
smoking a fat, hand-rolled joint.
"I scored mucho garbage from this dumpster labelled 'BIOHAZARD' when I
found this little metal disc buried in the trash beneath the razor blades
and needles. My stomach was full from the medical waste, so I sat down to
take a breather, to have a close look at the thing -- and what do you know?
There He is.
"Oh yeah, it helps if you hold the disc a couple feet away from your head,
stand upside down and squint your eyes real tight," added Orkell, before
jumping back into the nearby dumpster from whence he came.
List moderator Aran M. Parillo was unsure what to make of the piece of
plastic and metal and was quick to issue a statement to the panicked list
members from a hastily arranged press conference in Waco:
"Please, please settle yourselves.
"We cannot say for sure that this is our holy Fatherly Figure, our holiest
God, our very own Almighty Aphex Twin appearing on the back of this
demonic, pirated compact disc. Our crack team of scientists and theologians
at Hyperreal are working with Warp technicians around the clock to
determine exactly what we are dealing with here.
"Until that time, keep proceed calmly to the record stores to buy new
releases on a regular basis, as usual."
Warp Records CEO Greg Eden, looking slightly distraught, contributed his
company's viewpoint via teleconferencing:
"See? See what I told you people would happen if we let the MPEG D00dz do
what they want? This is why our lawyers go after these punks -- to hold off
the kind of supernatural terror we're all experiencing right now. We've
likely pissed off the Almighty Lord and He'll jump ship to another label.
But would you listen to me? ``Oh no, we want our bleedin' bootlegs!`` May
Twin have mercy on all your souls!"
On questions about possible secret enscriptions on the untitled Autechre
release, Eden mumbled cryptically, "Erm, we're looking into it -- and
that's all I can say at the moment." The connection then became very noisy
before cutting out completely.
Claims of a hoax were quick to issue from the more cynical members of the
IDM list. List member Wells Oliver proffered his uniquely cheerful
viewpoint at the press conference:
"Yeah right. It's Richard James. Pfft. Haven't any of you bozos read
Douglas Adams? Good gravy, you're all idiots.
"Next you'll be drawing lines connecting the Isle of Man, the birthplace of
all three of the Bee Gees; Manchester, the origin of Autechre; and Pentland
Hills, where BOC work. When you find that that triangle points to Iceland,
Bjoerk's homeland, you'll really be in for a theological treat. Sheesh.
Morons.
"I don't even know why I waste my time dealing with you cretins."
The middle comment led many journalists to pull out their world maps and
compasses and rush excitedly to the nearest bank of pay phones.
The more literate list members said that the vision may represent Jesus H.
Christ, a two-thousand year old leader of yet another obscure cult
involving such strange behaviors as eating seafood, holding your index
finger up and saying "God Bless", and being nice to one another for a
change.
This viewpoint was quickly written off as heretic gibberish and the
offending members were dragged away by security to be beaten with rubber
hoses.
Parillo broke out the sheets of acid and cans of McKuans Ale, closing the
press conference with the following ceremony:
"Let us break tabs with one another, for this is the body of Twin. And let
us share the lager, for this is the blood of Twin. Amen."
"Amen," echoed the rest, consuming the Sacraments.
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__________________________________________________________________________
Alex Reynolds Distributed Support Specialist
Department of Biology School of Arts & Sciences Computing
University of Pennsylvania Philadelphia, PA
email:xxxxxxxx@xxx.xxxxx.xxx phone:215.573.2818
PGP Fingerprint: E0E3 BB20 C1BC 3C0D 56A1 1FD5 5B9C 9E91 A7F0 F9B5
"It's such a fine line between stupid and clever." -- D. St. Hubbins, TISP