From Alex Reynolds Sent Fri, Nov 27th 1998, 06:32
From Alex Reynolds Sent Fri, Nov 27th 1998, 06:32
IDM Frequently Answered Questions Question #174D, Section 2/H12 This week, Mr. Kurt Pruenner of Austria asks, "I _do_ think there's more than 1.500 Jimi Tenor fans out there... So [why the limited releases]?" A gradual decline in the number of Tenorfans in the urban jungle has been cause for concern on the part on environmental groups around the world. The World Wildlife Foundation's 10 Most Wanted list identifies the ten animals whose very existence is threatened via hunting or unsustainable trade, ranking the Jimi Tenor fan up there with the giant panda and the green-cheeked parrot in terms of sheer numbers. Charlton Heston, chairman of the US-based weapons-rights group National Rifle Association -- better known, however, for his breakthrough role as Col. Taylor in the epic film "Planet of the Apes" -- explains: "Your average Jimi Tenor fan is a fierce, savage beast -- but thanks to advanced NRA hunting techniques involving pickup trucks, heavily-stocked coolers of Milwaukee's Best, and sub-automatic rifles, we can now put these bitches on ice." "Using simple animal calls, we can rustle a Tenorfan from the urban trenches. Let me give you one example of the calls we use," offers Heston while he pulls out an oddly-shaped whistle and blows: 'Chee-eesy funk, chee-eesy funk' "Tenorfans can be bloodthirsty, too," says Heston. "Never disrespect Tenor's style as a cheap imitation of Elton John when confronting a pack of Tenorfans or they'll rip your throat clean out. I lost three of my best NRA men who were tempted to use this particular call." "God bless America," added Heston while loading a 9mm pistol and humming a bit from Tenor's "Downtown". While the hunting of Tenorfans is considered pure sport in most industrialized nations, other countries, find great practical use with the Tenorfans' hides and wallets. As Dr. Christian Haselgrove of the Sociological Research of Backward Nations Institute of Cambridge University, Cambridge, England points out: "You can see from this chart that the average Tenorfan, loaded down with copious amounts of income to spend on Tenor's clothing and music -- once caught, pickpocketed, undressed and skinned -- can feed, clothe, and shelter just about any family in a non-industrialized country for a few years. This obviously places great pressure on the breadwinner of a typical family to go out trolling for Tenorfans." Zoos around the world attempt to offer some measure of protection against extinction but some keepers are not optimistic for the Tenorfans' chances. Antoinette Maciolek, Public Relations Director for the Philadelphia Zoo of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, indicates that, while her zoo offers world-class facilities for this beast, "finding a breeding pair of Tenorfans is a little *ahem* difficult," coughing slightly, "as there are few females of the species in the wild who listen to Jimi Tenor. As a result, increasing their numbers in captivity will be difficult." "Just for laughs, we're working on the mating issue with what we have, however," added Ms. Maciolek, coughing again. Still left unresolved, until now, was the issue regarding the limited-issue releases of Tenor's music. Greg Eden, CEO of Warp Records Conglomerate Holdings Ltd., was gracious enough to step in and clear up the situation in an exclusive interview with Hyperreal staff: "It has *always* been standard music industry policy that limited-issue releases are the result of rational cost-containment measures -- as an attempt to control our expenditures. "It has never *ahem* been our motive to give the resellers justification to raise prices to you, our end *ahem* consumer, by raising a *ahem* false impression of market scarcity, so that we can in turn *ahem* raise our prices to the distributors and reap millions in profits..." Mr. Eden paused to clear his throat again, shuffle papers and otherwise attempt to appear innocent. "We would like to emphasize that we at Warp Records Conglomerate Holdings Ltd. love Mr. Tenor and his product," Mr. Eden continued, "And we certainly appreciate the support of his fan base. But when our marketing research team discovered Tenorfans are being slaughtered on a wholescale basis and are nearly extinct, we had to think about the shareholders. So we're keeping it at 1,500 copies for now." We hope this answers your question. Hyperreal would also like to warn anyone who listens to Jimi Tenor to steer clear of Mr. Heston or any of his gun-nut buddies. Kind Regards, Alex Reynolds Hyperreal Archivist, Sector A231/Z __________________________________________________________________________ Alex Reynolds E xxxxxxxx@xxx.xxxxx.xxx UPenn : SAS Computing : Biology Dist Support V +1 215 573 2818 http://www.sas.upenn.edu/biology/ F +1 215 898 8780 'The central message of Buddhism is not "every man for himself"!' -- Wanda