From Alex Reynolds Sent Mon, Jun 1st 1998, 20:46
From Alex Reynolds Sent Mon, Jun 1st 1998, 20:46
I knew there was more to the Spice Girls breaking up than met the eye... I= just knew it. ---- Ginger Spice Calls It Quits, Secret Warp Records Deal Goes Out the Window LONDON, England (REUTERZ) -- Geri Halwell, also known as the "Sexy Spice" of= the world-famous Spice Girls, announced yesterday that she was leaving the= all-female British pop group. Almost immediately thereafter came reports of= clandestine dealings involving the Sheffield-based record label Warp= Records and the Spice Girls, who were reportedly aiming to emigrate quietly= to the Warp label.=20 Due to constant pressure from the record execs of the Girls' current label= to "sell out" and release conventional pop nosh to their highly= independent-minded fans, they supposedly wanted to move to a more= open-minded record company. However, through their legal council, the other Spice Girls -- Emma "Baby= Spice" Bunton, Victoria "Posh Spice" Adams, Melanie "Sporty Spice" Chisolm,= and Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown -- were quick to deny any back-room= dealings with the renowned electronica outfit Warp, who were looking for an= act to mirror their multi-platinum-selling collaboration with Finnish pop= star Jimi Tenor. In a statement issued after the announcement, the Girls said that they were= "upset and saddened by Geri's departure, but we are very supportive in= whatever she wants to do. Even if that includes recordings of Natalie= Cole-like duets with Richard "AFX" James. But we won't have anything to do= with it." Rumours have circled that a torrid affair between Halwell and= James was a catalyst for the group's early demise.=20 "Backstage, Geri would do nothing but talk on end about her little= snooglewuggums, her naughty little 'Hairy Spice' -- it was bloody awful,"= commented Victoria Adams in a telephone interview. "She'd natter on= endlessly about getting naked and dressing up in that bear costume of= his... oh, the perverted horror of it all." In the most recent of many emergency shareholder meetings this month, Warp= Records CEO Greg Eden talked about the recent discussions between the music= publisher and the group. "We deeply regret the departure of Ms Halwell from= the Spice Girls product. Nonetheless, to protect the value of our holdings,= our lawyers feel it appropriate to outline segments of the thirty-year= contract the group signed last week. We expect the remaining Girls to abide= by any and all stipulations in the contract and any deviation from said= contract will result in legal proceedings, public flogging, etc. etc." Visibly upset with the sordid display of legal breast-beating, several Welsh= shareholders in the front row proceeded to throw popcorn and empty cans of= lager in the CEO's general direction, booing loudly. Also upset, Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown commented on Eden's supposed threats= -- "Eden and his lawyer thugs are naught but cryptofascists! We shall seize= the day... and publish all our stuff as MPEGs! Girl Power!" -- and lifted= her fists to the air, marching out of the press room with the other Girls,= all four whistling the theme song to "The Bridge On The River Kwai".= Nervous and sweating profusely, Girls' lawyer Alan Edwards pulled the= microphone toward him and added, chuckling slightly, "Ah, what my clients= really meant to say is that we are looking forward to a long and fruitful= relationship with the nice lawyers at Warp Records(tm) and would certainly= would not wish to incur their disfavour/wrath." Warp's CEO responded only with the following cryptic remark: "Oh yeah, she's= definitely a hottie, that 'Scary Spice' -- love that tongue stud!" and= proceeded to nudge this journalist's ribs repeatedly. ---- =A91998 Reuterz Limited. All material is satirical in nature and is= therefore absolved of any and all trademark restrictions in the US. All= readers of other nations, please close your eyes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Alex Reynolds Distributed Support Specialist Department of Biology School of Arts & Sciences Computing University of Pennsylvania Philadelphia, PA email:xxxxxxxx@xxx.xxxxx.xxx phone:215.573.2818 PGP Fingerprint: E0E3 BB20 C1BC 3C0D 56A1 1FD5 5B9C 9E91 A7F0 F9B5 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "The future is in crowds." -- Don DeLillo