From Alex Reynolds Sent Fri, May 22nd 1998, 15:40
From Alex Reynolds Sent Fri, May 22nd 1998, 15:40
Just got this over the fax... --- "Warp Records shareholders meeting held hostage by multimedia terrorists, 2 = injured" SHEFFIELD, England (REUTERZ) - A confidential shareholders meeting for inter= nationally-renown Sheffield-based Warp Records, Ltd to discuss recent= copyright infringement was disrupted by an underground terrorist group= known only as the "MPEG d00dZ", who held the board members hostage for a= total of ten seconds. Thursday's meeting was the culmination of building fear on the part of the= shareholders. Declining revenue and the erosion of Warp's prestigious= talent base -- including such noted acts as Autechre and The Aphex Twin --= a result of illegal distribution of MPEG3-encoded copies of the record= company's music via the Internet, were the topics on everyone's minds.=20 "We want to allay your fears about the depreciation of your stock and assure= you that our legal department is doing all it can to stem copyright= violations as we discover them," Warp CEO Greg Eden said in his opening= statement to the anxious crowd. Sources close to the independent record company who wish to remain anonymous= confirmed yesterday that Warp has lost an estimated =A36 billion ($9= million US) since the introduction of the first of many financially= successful pirate MPEG sites. Midway through the meeting, as individual shareholders addressed the board= members, a segment of the audience issued screams of terror as a caucasian= male appeared out of nowhere. Dressed in black, holding a double-barreled= shotgun in one hand and a copy of the Magna Carta in the other, the man= indentified himself as a member of "MPEG d00dz", a secretive, underground= terrorist cult which professes the ideals of "free wine, women, and song;= especially MPEG3-encoded song". The male, known to the CIA and Interpol only by his code name "Barf",= proceeded to yell "Remember the fans! Remember the fans!" before Warp= security crew and legal council, led by Ueberkommandant Ian Anderson,= dragged Barf out the auditorium and into a back alley, where he was never= to be seen again. Greg Eden would only issue the following cryptic remark:= "We tried to be reasonable people." In the ensuing mayhem, two shareholders were seriously injured when the= playful sport of punching each others' arms got way out of control. Pop= stars Sean Booth and Ron Brown who were present at the meeting were quickly= rushed into a nearby bulletproof limousine, along with three voluptuous= groupies and a sheep. Sources neither deny nor confirm the sheep was of= Welsh origin. Richard "AFX" James, last seen in his Daimler tank, driving donuts into Liam= "The Prodigy" Howlett's mansion lawn and repeatedly yelling "Come to Daddy!= Come to Daddy!", was unavailable for comment on this story. =A91998 Reuterz Limited. All rights reserved. Any similarity to the Reuters= trademark is completely intentional and meant in jest. Please do not sue my= ass. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Alex Reynolds Distributed Support Specialist Department of Biology School of Arts & Sciences Computing University of Pennsylvania Philadelphia, PA email:xxxxxxxx@xxx.xxxxx.xxx phone:215.573.2818 PGP Fingerprint: E0E3 BB20 C1BC 3C0D 56A1 1FD5 5B9C 9E91 A7F0 F9B5 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." -- Raoul Duke