Steinberg

From Morten Schwarz
Sent Tue, Feb 10th 1998, 19:04

DISCLAIMER: I didn't write this, but I loved it!!!

Morten
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     I received today, without solicitation on my part, the latest
version of Cubase VST for Windows from Steinberg.  So, without further
ado (and with some tongue in cheek, but more than a little frustration
on my part), I give you:

     THE NEW AND IMPROVED, NIFTY-KEENO, SEMI-OFFICIAL (OK, entirely
UN-official) STEINBERGESE-TO-ENGLISH DICTIONARY !

     *  *  *  *  * (Drum roll, please...) *  *  *  *  *

1.   STEINBERGESE:  "Thank you for purchasing our software..."
     ENGLISH:  "We know you didn't purchase this product, but we are
sending it to you unsolicited anyway, and for the following reasons:
          a.   You probably weren't going to purchase it because none
of the other stuff you have purchased from us in the past (WavePlayer,
Cubasis Audio, Cubase 3.05) has ever worked on your system.
          b.   This way we can get a foot in the door and interest you
in purchasing other items you really don't need, and which probably
won't work on your system either, such as: Waves Audio Track and
WaveLab 1.6.
          c.    This way we might get you hooked on subscribing to our
Club Cubase Magazine.
          d.   Finally, YOU, too, can be an unpaid Beta version tester
for our buggy VST product!"

2.   STEINBERGESE:  "We take great pride in our products, and we hope
you will benefit from using them."
     ENGLISH:       "We are crossing our fingers and praying like mad
this product WILL work for you, because, frankly, our tech. support
staff is close to suicide from all your calls..."

3.   STEINBERGESE:"...troubleshooting..."
     ENGLISH:  "This thing has probably got more bugs than an entire
entomology department..."

4.   STEINBERGESE:"Minimum requirements... A 100MHz Pentium with 24 MB
of RAM... However, the recommended computer setup is:  A 166 MHz
Pentium with 32 MB RAM, or better."
     ENGLISH:  "Although we would never tell you this, the
bare-minimum, rock-bottom, without-this-you'll-never-get-it-to-work
-in-a-million-years system requirements are:
          A 200+ MHz MMX Pentium CPU, with at least 72 to 80 MB RAM,
          A pristine or completely reformatted 4.3 GB SCSI HardDrive
          Newly installed Win95
          Absolutely no non-essential hardware and drivers installed
on your system--no modem, no graphic tablet, no scanner--nothing
          Absolutely no other non-essential programs installed on your
hard drive--no games,  word processors, statistical programs,  mathcad
or cad programs, graphics or rendering programs,  databases or
spreadsheets,  utilities, memory managers,  backup programs,
TSR's--absolutely nothing else whatsoever!  
          Congratulations!  With this system you now have a 30% chance
of getting your latest Steinberg program to actually work!  Our
technical support staff looks forward to your next call!"

5.   STEINBERGESE:"With the power to the computer switched off, plug
the copy protection key into the computer's parallel port..."
     ENGLISH:  "Another G_d-d_mned, !!@$%!!#&@$%@?!!!  Dongle !!!!..."

6.   STEINBERGESE: "MIDI Interface / Synthesizer card... Windows
Multimedia Driver Required!"
     ENGLISH:  "It's not going to sync..."

7.   STEINBERGESE:"Install Windows and make sure all basic
functionality seems to work as intended."
     ENGLISH:  "It's not going to sync..."

8.   STEINBERGESE: "Some MIDI interfaces also contain built-in
synchronization facilities for using Cubase VST together with non-MIDI
equipment..."
     ENGLISH:  "Sorry, it's still not going to sync..."

9.   STEINBERGESE: "If you plan to record audio on a hard disk... now
is the time to defragment it."
     ENGLISH:  "How the hell many times do we have to tell you?--It's
NOT going to sync!"

10.  STEINBERGESE:"This is what you need...To use Cubase VST you need
the following:..."
     ENGLISH:  "Let's cut the crap... You know it, we know it,
everybody knows it--Hell, you're going to have to purchase a whole new
computer system, dedicated to running just this one program--OK?  
               After all, money grows on trees for you, doesn't it?

               Oh, and by the way--it's STILL not going to sync!"

       *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

     Thank you!   I wish to apologize to all and sundry in
advance--this was done with tongue firmly in cheek, and only with a
little bit of real frustration on my part, in that I STILL can't get
Cubase 3.05 to sync to tape with audio and MIDI simultaneously--and
have absolutely no intention of purchasing a completely new computer
system just to run VST... But hey, at least I can use the CD-ROMS as
little frisbees....

     Again, I'm just joking--OK? (...somewhat)...  I'm Just venting a
bit of frustration, with no real insults directed towards anyone--so
no lawsuits, OK...?

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no lawsuits, OK?

:)